Resolutedness

A familiar image pattern?
(Source: http://z-comix.deviantart.com/art/Procrastination-Meme-148332767)

I took a two-week holiday break for the first time in several years. Although I was not cut off from work entirely, I did feel as if time was altered in a supremely relaxing and enjoyable way. I am dreading tomorrow's early morning wake-up and rush out the door. I also am looking forward to the opportunity to start the work year recharged and renewed.

Work challenges involve two major obstacles in my case: punctuality and procrastination. I tend to run late getting into the office and end up feeling rushed, as a result. I also tend to delay getting down to the items on my day's to-do list, which ends up draining me and leaving me feeling as if the day were for naught. These are two big issues that I'd like to take on this year. I figure that if I can quit drinking and can manage to write at least 750 words a day, I can give up my habit for tardiness and my tendency to procrastinate, as well.

Getting down to the root of the matter raises some interesting questions. As a professor, I am not exactly what one might consider "my own boss." However, I am lucky in that I have a fair amount of control over my schedule. I can decide what time to arrive at work, what time to leave, whether I want to work at home or in the office, and if I want to disappear for two and a half hours in the middle of the day for a workout. While I do have meetings, appointments, and other similar types of time commitments, my main work of teaching, mentoring, researching, and writing can be done whenever, wherever, and to a certain extent however I like.

That freedom is lovely. I think it's also the cause of the challenges. Because the main person I am accountable to -- some might say the only person -- I am the only one who can monitor and change my behavioral habits. Many of my colleagues, in fact, tell me that my procrastination and lack of punctuality are not issues in their eyes because they know how hard I work, how much I contribute to the college community, and how I always come through eventually on my commitments. I appreciate their words, but I feel that the person that isn't satisfied by this response is me. My interests are wide and varied. As a result, my time is limited and quite valuable. When I see it frittered away through tardiness and tempting diversions, I feel as if I disappoint myself because I am not living my life and carrying out my life's mission to its fullest. At the risk of sounding preachy and a little too religious, I feel as if I am misusing the spiritual gifts with which I was bestowed. Because gifts are something I deeply value, especially when they stem from the building of a personal relationship, I feel as if the spiritual gifts should be treated with the utmost care and respect. But no one's going to check me on my level of care, except perhaps the spiritual one, which manifests its voice often in the form of inner conscience.

Alongside the issue of accountability comes a tendency to take on a lot of things. Note that I did not say too many things, merely a lot of things. When a project, task, or request calls out to me, I tend to say "yes" to it. Common sense would put on the brakes and offer a round of firm "no's". Common sense is smart, but I do think one should remember one's role as a servant to one's communities -- however one defines servant -- and realize that a request or a task or a project comes along, it is like a gift. And, as a result, these things also deserve to be treated with the utmost care and respect. Inevitably the "to do" list will overload, the cup will run over, the plate will become too full. And then fear will set in. How will I get everything done? Where do I start? Is this going to cause me to miss my workout? Rather than reacting out of a mode of scarcity consciousness -- saying no, backing out of previous commitments, delaying a facing up to the work with procrastination -- it is probably best to step up the plate and begin to take on the work one step at a time. And the workout will take place, if you insist that it will -- because it, too, is a commitment to yourself.

As I write, I realize these challenges of timeliness and procrastination are twins. They both act as strategies of avoidance to cover up a fear that one will fail to live up to one's expectations. What's important to take away, perhaps, is the fact that the bulk of the world will not notice either one's successes or failures. The only one to notice will be you.